Nah. Sigma kept a nap bundle, god knows why, but I make good use of it. Eating makes me sleepy, waking up makes me hungry, drunk me wants both, so I went for a little nap on the back.
(there's no reservations about picking the bottle - although both of them know very much so that mikey gets drunk with so very little, so this is going to be an interesting night, especially how he takes two large gulps before he passes it back.)
I got a deal with Vi, so technically, I wasn't stealing - it's payment, cuz she's taking classes with me and all.
Hmm, [is not a particularly long-winded response, but-- Yu isn't entirely sure how else to, at the moment. He's still tied up in tense knots, trying to force his body to get back on the same page as his mind. There's something to be said there, he knows -- the body can hold onto things after the mind lets them go or shoves them aside. But that physical response is woefully underinformed, all the same, and Yu can't seem to get it to catch up.
He can't quite share the lightness that Mikey seems to be feeling, but he does take the bottle back. Gripped in one hand, he runs a thumb along the edge of the bottle neck's label.
For a little while, he doesn't know what to say.]
So you're teaching now? [It's not entirely a smile, that small upturn of his expression. But he can't help thinking back fondly to old conversations.
He throws his head back, downing another drink before passing the bottle.]
(it's because he has to. they peomised to start small, and manjiro has already shed tears - they don't need him to add another layer of feelings on what is already hard enough to process. they don't have to make this harder. they're going to be here all night, there sure will be more tears to shed, tough topics to arise, and voices to tremble with words that get stuck kn their throat.
it doesn't have to be right now.
the next two gulps, as manjiro brings the bottle back to the counter, make him close his eyes a little harder. nevermind the way his nose is starting to grow scarlet.)
Yeah. I haven't really fought in a year or so, so I reopened the dojo to keep sharp, and turn around a profit. With ToMan disbanding, there ain't no reason to fight no more.
I'm sure this place will come up with plenty of reasons to fight.
[He doesn't mean for it to come out so dry, but it does, and so he reaches for the bottle hovering between them like a peace broker. In a way, isn't that what it is? The negotiation tactic. One cannot find peace at the bottom of a bottle; Yu doesn't have to know anyone who tried to be able to think that with certainty. But the wall that's been bricked between them since before Mikey left, that barrier that seemed so final just a few weeks ago... The stones begin to loosen, a bit.
Yu wonders how long it would take to pull them all down.
One sip from the bottle. He feels it behind his eyes, the faint sluggishness that tells him he'd be no good in a fight. How is that the first thing he goes to?
(Is it because he's here with Mikey?)
He-- has to get his mind away from that, far away from the dark little corners that still think overlong about what happened.]
Hence the motorcycle racing, right? You mentioned that before.
[There is a small part of him that feels a bit guilty at the conversation, because he's not as interested in the content as he is in the act of talking, of listening. Knowing that the ice between them is thick, he hopes that the steady stream of thoughts and words passing through their lips will be enough to melt it, over time.]
As it does. That motherfucker Jerry been to my place and everything.
(which was not at all invited by him, mind you. he has nothing for this place if not anger - whatever this place is, whatever its purpose might be, manjiro cares very little for it. when it's time, he'll act against it with every fiber of his being. it's fucked up - to ask him why does he murder when his murders had not been a conscious choice, but an impulse of something he couldn't have predicted.
but it's not a thought he'll share with yu. whether or not he chose it, he still did it. he understands that - influenced or otherwise, his hands took lives all around, in every damn timeline and place if not the one he currently hails from.
his hands, no one else's.)
... Yeah.
(a pause, because he doesn't know if he wants to tell yu he's happy at home. he never felt more unworthy of it than as of late.
... but the conversation can't stop there, not to make space for the ice to freeze them over.)
Do you have... Anything you want to know? I'll tell you honestly.
[Yu's eyebrows lift at that. Jerry went to see him...? That's a peculiar wording; was it something other than sentencing, then?
Ultimately, it doesn't matter, for now.
Mikey keeps saying things like that -- any questions? anything you want to say? I'm listening. I'll tell you. And honestly, he's not at all sure how to respond to that. He tends toward being so quiet, given to thinking, reflecting, listening. He's not a font of thoughts waiting to be voiced; most of them haven't taken shape, yet. His opinion changes by the moment, conflicted, at odds with itself, and he doesn't have the faintest idea where to begin.
So he doesn't respond at first. Of course he doesn't. He lets the thoughts flow back and forth and around the same way the shochu moves in the bottle, when he tips it from side to side. What does he want to know...?
(Everything. Nothing.)
In the end, he chooses to begin with facts -- they've never let him down before.]
Your..."curse." [He says the word somewhat tentatively; he's pretty sure Mikey called it that, but it's getting a little fuzzy, now.] You said it's gone, right?
(the curse. something that helped him ruin every single life he has ever lived. yu wasn't the only person manjiro hurt, killed - and in all honesty, his death wasn't even the most gruesome manjiro had committed. for the past decade, manjiro wasn't concerned about it - it had been gone for too long, and his focus had shifted into making sure all would fall into place. all blood that had been spilled never were, all the lives lost never left. to know too much makes one desperate to avoid events, to make sure what could rot could bloom - one shot is all that he had.
so, he takes a moment to figure out how to put it. last time, yu didn't want to hear too much - understandably so. the wheels are also slower, someone did drink a whole bunch.)
... Yeah. I died, originally, pretty horribly, so my big brother didn't take it too well-- ick. (hiccup.) So, after-- woah, a lot of shit, actually, Takemitchy and I went back in time, so the accident never happened, Shinichiro never lost his shit, no time-leapers were killed to bring me back, no more curse. We went back to 1998, so kinda fucking trippy to have the mind of an 18-year-old in an 8-year-old body-- fuck, I think I'm technically like, in my thirties? Or something? Ugh.
[A curse. Time travel. Yu is ready to accept these things in a way that some normal people would find alarming -- but he takes it all at face value. He suspects Mikey knows that about him, even now. He spent the better part of a year fighting monsters inside the TV. Of course he can't do anything else but accept this as truth.
It's one simple word that has him relaxing a bit, the tension leaving his body. Yeah. This, too, he believes without question. Maybe he believed it even before the other boy said it; why else would he be sitting here with him, side by side with someone who crushed his throat?
(... Because that's who he is. He knows that.)
He's quiet for a moment, absorbing the information. With the amount of alcohol in his bloodstream, it's taking a few extra minutes.]
... I'm sorry to tell you, I'm no good at respecting my elders.
[It's not so much a real smile as a glint of mischief in his expression, but it's the lightest thing he's said to the other boy in ages. That's got to be something. In a way, maybe it's everything.]
(the way his face brightens with yu being a little shit is indescribable. at first, a moment of confusion - the unexpectedness of a joke makes the large, still dullish eyes goggle just a little bit, his mouth slightly opening in awe and soon, that small separation between his lips turns into a large smile, beaming in a way that it might as well shine a warm light on the dimness in this basement - his eyes closing almost instantly in response to the joy that moves his expression around.
it feels so good, maybe in a way that yu doesn't understand, or in a way that he does way too personally.
in a way he might be feeling, too.)
Some disrespect is hot, though. You can get a pass now and then, I'll allow it.
Edited (prepositions, my enemy) 2024-06-18 19:26 (UTC)
[Mikey's smile is impossibly bright. And Yu thinks, for a moment -- he had forgotten just how bright it was, when he was happy. When they were just together, like this, doing nothing, doing everything. Part of him aches at that loss of time, the memories stuffed into the back of his mind, wondering if he'd ever feel okay to bring them out again.
He...he's not ready to. Not yet. But he can see it on the horizon, right now.
Predictably, Mikey says something with ease that would rattle most people, and while Yu is not most people, his cheeks do color somewhat.]
I'll remember that. [Another drink. He passes the bottle back -- slower than before, knowing that Mikey is more of a lightweight.] Not that I need your permission, sir.
[He's missed this. More than he can possibly bear to admit.]
(that part of him that used to come out to his lovers - the one who was tired of being magnanimous, one that just wanted to be, be taken rather than take. one that needed titles to rest for just a little while, where he didn't have to be leading, to be imposing, to be fighting.
a part that has dissolved alongside toman - he no longer holds a title, after all. he is just manjiro sano, and so much of him is the same, and yet, so different. a weight has lifted from his shoulders, and he can breathe with so much more ease.
and what else makes him speak with so much ease? alcohol, so maybe he can be forgiven by the shit he says next.)
Ugh, let's change the subject, I had been pining for you even before I left the dojo, don't make me crave you now, it's a shit time for that.
[He does, and the fact that they both know that may just be what ends up pulling the smile onto his face -- small, soft, but very much there. The laugh he exhales in response is barely more than a breath, but it, too, exists, at least enough that it can't be denied.
No matter how many lives he's lived, the filter is still the same: nonexistent. Yu is familiar enough with that side of him that he barely bats an eye, but there's enough alcohol in his system that he can't fight back the flush that spills over his cheeks anyway. There's enough that, for a moment, he doesn't really know what to say in response. The thoughts are all crowding each other out in his head. The lightness from those earlier quips fades away, not completely, but enough that the moment feels a little more serious. Thoughtful.
And-- there is one thought that returns, again and again. I missed you.
Yu isn't sure how he feels about that, even now. He's aware, mentally and maybe physically now, that he's not in any danger. All the same, the hurt is still there, behind his eyelids, creeping out of his memories when he least expects it. How can you miss someone who betrayed you so wholly?
The other side of that coin: how can he keep holding so much against the other boy when he's clearly so different now?
He doesn't have any answers. Some leader he is, right now. He doesn't even have words to respond -- he does so with actions instead. They're already close, sitting nearly shoulder to shoulder. But his hand creeps closer, and he puts his fingers over Mikey's. I missed you. It's hard to say it with words.]
(a lot of their story has never been written, a series of unspoken fights with furious kisses for screams, kisses to the forehead as words of affirmation, disappearances for cold shoulders. actions have always spoken much louder than words, and manjiro's words have never had the depth one needs to understand the story life has written for him. facts, not feelings. 'it is that', rather than 'i feel'.
in their own leadership status, they found ways to make each other equal, to make each other individuals, not titles - and this non-verbal communication seemed to have always worked. all the arguments that were never said. the love that had been there for a while, and had only been declared so manjiro could tell yu 'no matter what' was a large part of it.
which is why manjiro recognizes the touch as the words that are wrapped around it - and it makes him want to cry, but no tear ever forms. there's a ball of tension that forms when their hands touch, and perhaps this isn't going to be the time that he tells yu about it - how part of him wishes his newfound power could work, and how most of him wouldn't change it. how he could just make it back - make it so they never met.
but then he would miss all the moments that made him understand exactly what each gesture the other gives him means. selfish, selfish, selfish.
tough situations don't bring out such emotions from him, they often bring smiles that pledge that it will all end up okay. that manjiro will be okay. there's no need to worry, he's here, he got it. years of sharing burdens didn't take that away from him, flaws that are so deeply craved into his core - his way of being strong.
unsurprisingly, the smile that he gives when he feels helpless shows, but it's laced with a layer of relief. the warmth of yu's fingers against mikey's calloused knuckles, the way he just got to hear a laugh - all that he didn't think could be possible weeks back. he hears it, crystal-clear - 'i missed you'.
'i know.'
that's what he's saying as he slowly allows his head to rest against the other boy's shoulder, face hot and scarlet due to all the alcohol he has circling his body. the hand that touches his own is taken to his lips, a knuckle kissed as he would when they were talking about difficult things.
[Mikey feels warm, as he presses his head against Yu's shoulder, and Yu-- he feels it, too, the pleasant buzz in his head, the flush on his cheeks. He's not sure he could describe himself as relaxed, exactly, and part of him wonders if he'll ever feel so relaxed again. If it'll ever feel as natural. But...it feels easier with every moment, just being here. Just being.
So he stays like this for a while, fingers laced together, sharing weight.
It's hard to say how much time passes; it feels like ages and seconds all at once, but he feels so content, in the moment, that he's reluctant to change it. And yet...sitting on the bar like this, he feels the heaviness set in behind his eyelids.
It-- sort of brings the reality of their current situation back into focus.]
That nap bundle, [he says, soft and unhurried.] Was there just one?
[He thinks better of the original phrasing he had intended -- do you think it's big enough for two? No matter how many forward strides he's made in such a short period of time, he's not sure he's ready for that closeness just yet.]
(warm is what he can't help but feel as they sit there together. a heat on his cheeks from the alcohol that is making his cheeks ridiculously crimson, which hides the fact that even without the substance, he would maybe still be blushing right now. the kisses he gives are all so slow, almost like he's committing the feeling of yu's skin to memory, each knuckle, each caress against the soft skin of his hand. he feels comfortable, almost too much so - almost like he never left, although there are a series of painful realizations that he leaves on the back of his mind. this might be happening because of the alcohol. enjoy it, it might not happen again. it doesn't mean it's all past them. he might not come around, still.
all quiet whispers that manjiro ignores for the time being. the words almost take him out of it, but they don't.)
Apparently, just one... It used to be the owner's - but don't fall asleep yet, Yuchin... I have something to ask you... Soon. I don't-- want to ruin it.
[This is too close, and some rational part of Yu's mind feels that intensely. Too close, and yet he can't pull away -- or maybe some part of him doesn't want to. Too close, and yet, even with every pang of guilt and regret that lances through him...he doesn't pull away. He simply watches, and feels, and wonders how things might have been different, if either one of them had forfeited. If either one of them hadn't been there.
It-- it's no use thinking that way, though.
He's a little bit lost in it, watching Mikey through half-lidded eyes, enough so that it takes him a moment to register what the other boy is saying.]
Mm? [A nod, slow as molasses, and his hand squeezes the other boy's, just barely.] I won't.
[He doesn't push on the question, but that doesn't mean he's not thinking about it. Don't want to ruin it...? His expression is thoughtful as he runs the words through his mind, holding back his desire to figure out what that could mean.]
(there's only so much that yu can give. manjiro can't ask more than that - he knows that both of them can be storms when the time is right, but right now, they're a creek that is slowly starting to flow. whatever yu can give him, he'll gladly take, from the fact that he hasn't moved to the gentle squeezes that the other is giving as reassurance.
it's contrasting, sure, with the ways they tend to be, but it takes a while to fill an ocean.
he sighs, giving yu a little last nuzzle against his shoulder before he can separate, but in no moment does he let the hand go. the grip is soft, easy to slip out of it that's yu's decision through the conversation as he distances himself just enough to look at him.
his hair is messy, and he gets sick of it quickly, letting the long strands fall on his shoulder.)
You said something the other day, and I've been thinking about it. It was-- something about how people who accepted help made it in your world. I don't think you ever told me that part of your whole deal. The fuck did that even mean, Yuchin?
[The change is palpable when Mikey moves, the coolness that settles over his shoulder without the other boy's warmth on it.
... He doesn't like it, the uncertainty that stretches between them. These strange moments between ice and fire, warming and cooling one another in unexpected turns. It can't possibly stay like this forever, Yu knows that more than anything else. But how it'll change, and in what ways it'll change...that remains a mystery to him, right now.
Well. He can't resist a mystery.
Yu cants his head a bit at the question, thinking back. The things he said back then...they feel a bit like a blur of panic and anxiety. His stomach twists a bit at the mere memory.]
Mm, [he starts, thoughtfully.] People who got pushed into the TV world...after a few days, the Shadows that lived there would go into a frenzy and fight them. The people who died -- they were alone. They had no idea what was happening, and no way to fight against it.
[No way to know that they had to accept their Shadow selves.]
Once we started going in there...we were able to work together to save people.
(likewise, manjiro isn't particularly into it. either freeze him to the bone or burn him to the ground, no in-between, but that's only if it were up to him. uncertainty isn't particularly welcome - he dies or kills, but he doesn't wander in limbo for too long.
this isn't his decision, though. he's learned as much that it takes two to fix a past, and he allows yu to guide this conflict as a dance, at times bringing them closer, at times, distancing, all part of an intricate flow of yearning and repelling. he can only be better than he was yesterday - actions.
for a while, he says nothing. his hands are focused on the one between them, a touch, a gentle press, an index going across the knuckles as he attentively absorbs each and every word.)
You said... The Shadows were them, though. Their own shit, coming to bite them in the ass. Somethin' bout acceptin' it. Sorry, I don't remember too good, I was... Nervous.
(an admission that he would never do sober.)
... I don't know if it's the same, but every time I accepted the curse, shit went sideways in horrible, horrible ways. ... I think that's kinda what it did. Took all my shit and tenfolded it.
[Nervous is only one of many things he was feeling, admittedly -- but it was one. He doesn't say it aloud, but in a way, Yu is grateful for this small amount of extra honesty. It feels...new. And with how new things are for both of them, how new Mikey is to him, he appreciates each reminder that things are undoubtedly different. That they will always be different.
And...that different is not bad.]
They were. [A nod, and a soft, thoughtful exhale.] Shadows in the Midnight Channel were born from humans. When a human lost control of their suppressed self...it turned into a Shadow. If it was rejected by the person it belonged to, it'd go berserk. I don't know if it was the same, but...it was a reminder that everyone has darkness in them. Things they want to hide. Feelings they wish they didn't have.
[You're not me. You are me. Three little words that resulted in two deaths and the near death of all of his friends. Bitter truths and dark secrets, shameful admittances and desperate pleas to be recognized as who they were -- all of who they were.
Ah, look at that. Mikey may not have meant to find a crack in the facade, but he does, with that question, and Yu frowns a bit.]
... No. I never did. [He might stop there, normally. But between the alcohol in his system and the determined need to keep silence from falling, he continues.] I had seen all of them go through so much, facing all of these terrible things, but I never had to do it myself. For a while, I thought maybe that meant I was...broken, in some way, or-- empty, maybe.
(one can only see things from their own experiences, after all. manjiro is trying to see this through the curse, just like yu finds the link between the curse and his own journey. his eyes close, simply so he can focus on yu's words and skin as the sole stimuli he wants to pay attention to.
this is not exactly the same for his experiences, he comes to find. he'd reject it as much as he could, he'd become depressed and dissociated to keep it quiet. he accepted it, he'd lose everything he ever had. he wasn't meant to know what would have happened if he accepted any sort of help, what would have happened if he never leaped back in time. he was meant to take these experiences and fix it from ground up.
... this is a conversation, probably. he'll speak, too, alcohol moving the words out of his mouth before he could think on them.)
... That's not what I think, Yuchin. You're a leader, there's nowhere else but to face your own shit, whether for yourself or others. Maybe it hadn't taken form because you had accepted that and all your own shit already. I can list all your flaws to your face right now and I'm sure all you'd do is listen, composed as fuck, and all you'd say is 'you're right'. Ain't that facing and accepting it, in a way?
[It's not the same, really. Yu can't entirely articulate the difference, but he knows that there is one, and that discordant realization is frustrating. Going into the Midnight Channel and finding nothing there waiting for him...
He may never get answers about that. About why it wasn't the same, for him. But Mikey is right in one regard, at least -- he doesn't feel empty, at least not anymore, and he's just as human as anyone else...flaws and all.]
I'm not accepting criticism at this time, [he says with a light half-smile, nudging the other boy's shoulder.] ... but I understand what you're saying.
[Maybe someday he'll find himself face-to-face with a Shadow after all. Maybe he won't. For now, all he can do is recognize those things within himself and act on them, or accept them, or both.]
(the way he puts it makes his eyes open, stare at the other's face for half a second before a laugh comes out of his lips. full of jokes today, huh? it's fine. yu is not perfect, much like any of them. overthinker, with too much to say, and words that won't come out. overthinker with too many feelings that bubble within him, and yet, he maintains his posture. overthinker, optimistic, just way too good of a person - so good that he finds himself sitting here with someone who might not even deserve him in the first place.
forgiving.)
Did you hope you'd go through it, too? The same way as everyone else.
(he'd think so. it'd suck as a leader to not suffer amongst the ones you lead.)
[His expression turns wry. There are some moments --uncomfortable ones-- when he feels like the other boy can see right through him, as if he's translucent. Predictable. A book long since read and memorized.]
Is it that obvious?
[Not to say that he was jealous or felt left out. Not to say, either, that he felt lucky or anything of the sort. He never envied his friends' experiences so much as he feared what it might have meant that he didn't share them. Was he empty? Was something missing from him, in some way? Was his Shadow too broken, too fragmented to appear?
(Mikey is right, of course, that he overthinks.)
Yu is quiet for another thoughtful moment, mulling it over in his head. He had never faced his own Shadow, but he had confronted more within himself than he ever expected to. So...did it matter?]
I don't think that way anymore. About being 'empty.'
(to say manjiro's smart would be pushing it. he just sees things in a quite unique way, almost too poetic, but wholly true. if asked, he'd say that yu's head is a sea of 'whats' and 'whys', floating in a crowd until one comes to shore. he's too used to these silences as the answer swims to surface, so he doesn't push it.
instead, one of his hands leave yu's to grab the bottle. two, three gulps, and then he passes it. he's grounding himself until he forgets that he has done so.)
But you still have trouble letting people see that, though. Wonder why that is.
(it doesn't escape his memory, how yu hides from him at times. how he muffles sounds, conceals his expression.
is it the moment that he gets to see it the issue, or is it mikey, or is it... just as is?)
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(there's no reservations about picking the bottle - although both of them know very much so that mikey gets drunk with so very little, so this is going to be an interesting night, especially how he takes two large gulps before he passes it back.)
I got a deal with Vi, so technically, I wasn't stealing - it's payment, cuz she's taking classes with me and all.
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He can't quite share the lightness that Mikey seems to be feeling, but he does take the bottle back. Gripped in one hand, he runs a thumb along the edge of the bottle neck's label.
For a little while, he doesn't know what to say.]
So you're teaching now? [It's not entirely a smile, that small upturn of his expression. But he can't help thinking back fondly to old conversations.
He throws his head back, downing another drink before passing the bottle.]
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it doesn't have to be right now.
the next two gulps, as manjiro brings the bottle back to the counter, make him close his eyes a little harder. nevermind the way his nose is starting to grow scarlet.)
Yeah. I haven't really fought in a year or so, so I reopened the dojo to keep sharp, and turn around a profit. With ToMan disbanding, there ain't no reason to fight no more.
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[He doesn't mean for it to come out so dry, but it does, and so he reaches for the bottle hovering between them like a peace broker. In a way, isn't that what it is? The negotiation tactic. One cannot find peace at the bottom of a bottle; Yu doesn't have to know anyone who tried to be able to think that with certainty. But the wall that's been bricked between them since before Mikey left, that barrier that seemed so final just a few weeks ago... The stones begin to loosen, a bit.
Yu wonders how long it would take to pull them all down.
One sip from the bottle. He feels it behind his eyes, the faint sluggishness that tells him he'd be no good in a fight. How is that the first thing he goes to?
(Is it because he's here with Mikey?)
He-- has to get his mind away from that, far away from the dark little corners that still think overlong about what happened.]
Hence the motorcycle racing, right? You mentioned that before.
[There is a small part of him that feels a bit guilty at the conversation, because he's not as interested in the content as he is in the act of talking, of listening. Knowing that the ice between them is thick, he hopes that the steady stream of thoughts and words passing through their lips will be enough to melt it, over time.]
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(which was not at all invited by him, mind you. he has nothing for this place if not anger - whatever this place is, whatever its purpose might be, manjiro cares very little for it. when it's time, he'll act against it with every fiber of his being. it's fucked up - to ask him why does he murder when his murders had not been a conscious choice, but an impulse of something he couldn't have predicted.
but it's not a thought he'll share with yu. whether or not he chose it, he still did it. he understands that - influenced or otherwise, his hands took lives all around, in every damn timeline and place if not the one he currently hails from.
his hands, no one else's.)
... Yeah.
(a pause, because he doesn't know if he wants to tell yu he's happy at home. he never felt more unworthy of it than as of late.
... but the conversation can't stop there, not to make space for the ice to freeze them over.)
Do you have... Anything you want to know? I'll tell you honestly.
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Ultimately, it doesn't matter, for now.
Mikey keeps saying things like that -- any questions? anything you want to say? I'm listening. I'll tell you. And honestly, he's not at all sure how to respond to that. He tends toward being so quiet, given to thinking, reflecting, listening. He's not a font of thoughts waiting to be voiced; most of them haven't taken shape, yet. His opinion changes by the moment, conflicted, at odds with itself, and he doesn't have the faintest idea where to begin.
So he doesn't respond at first. Of course he doesn't. He lets the thoughts flow back and forth and around the same way the shochu moves in the bottle, when he tips it from side to side. What does he want to know...?
(Everything. Nothing.)
In the end, he chooses to begin with facts -- they've never let him down before.]
Your..."curse." [He says the word somewhat tentatively; he's pretty sure Mikey called it that, but it's getting a little fuzzy, now.] You said it's gone, right?
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so, he takes a moment to figure out how to put it. last time, yu didn't want to hear too much - understandably so. the wheels are also slower, someone did drink a whole bunch.)
... Yeah. I died, originally, pretty horribly, so my big brother didn't take it too well-- ick. (hiccup.) So, after-- woah, a lot of shit, actually, Takemitchy and I went back in time, so the accident never happened, Shinichiro never lost his shit, no time-leapers were killed to bring me back, no more curse. We went back to 1998, so kinda fucking trippy to have the mind of an 18-year-old in an 8-year-old body-- fuck, I think I'm technically like, in my thirties? Or something? Ugh.
(ah, to be drunk.)
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It's one simple word that has him relaxing a bit, the tension leaving his body. Yeah. This, too, he believes without question. Maybe he believed it even before the other boy said it; why else would he be sitting here with him, side by side with someone who crushed his throat?
(... Because that's who he is. He knows that.)
He's quiet for a moment, absorbing the information. With the amount of alcohol in his bloodstream, it's taking a few extra minutes.]
... I'm sorry to tell you, I'm no good at respecting my elders.
[It's not so much a real smile as a glint of mischief in his expression, but it's the lightest thing he's said to the other boy in ages. That's got to be something. In a way, maybe it's everything.]
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it feels so good, maybe in a way that yu doesn't understand, or in a way that he does way too personally.
in a way he might be feeling, too.)
Some disrespect is hot, though. You can get a pass now and then, I'll allow it.
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He...he's not ready to. Not yet. But he can see it on the horizon, right now.
Predictably, Mikey says something with ease that would rattle most people, and while Yu is not most people, his cheeks do color somewhat.]
I'll remember that. [Another drink. He passes the bottle back -- slower than before, knowing that Mikey is more of a lightweight.] Not that I need your permission, sir.
[He's missed this. More than he can possibly bear to admit.]
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(that part of him that used to come out to his lovers - the one who was tired of being magnanimous, one that just wanted to be, be taken rather than take. one that needed titles to rest for just a little while, where he didn't have to be leading, to be imposing, to be fighting.
a part that has dissolved alongside toman - he no longer holds a title, after all. he is just manjiro sano, and so much of him is the same, and yet, so different. a weight has lifted from his shoulders, and he can breathe with so much more ease.
and what else makes him speak with so much ease? alcohol, so maybe he can be forgiven by the shit he says next.)
Ugh, let's change the subject, I had been pining for you even before I left the dojo, don't make me crave you now, it's a shit time for that.
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No matter how many lives he's lived, the filter is still the same: nonexistent. Yu is familiar enough with that side of him that he barely bats an eye, but there's enough alcohol in his system that he can't fight back the flush that spills over his cheeks anyway. There's enough that, for a moment, he doesn't really know what to say in response. The thoughts are all crowding each other out in his head. The lightness from those earlier quips fades away, not completely, but enough that the moment feels a little more serious. Thoughtful.
And-- there is one thought that returns, again and again. I missed you.
Yu isn't sure how he feels about that, even now. He's aware, mentally and maybe physically now, that he's not in any danger. All the same, the hurt is still there, behind his eyelids, creeping out of his memories when he least expects it. How can you miss someone who betrayed you so wholly?
The other side of that coin: how can he keep holding so much against the other boy when he's clearly so different now?
He doesn't have any answers. Some leader he is, right now. He doesn't even have words to respond -- he does so with actions instead. They're already close, sitting nearly shoulder to shoulder. But his hand creeps closer, and he puts his fingers over Mikey's. I missed you. It's hard to say it with words.]
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in their own leadership status, they found ways to make each other equal, to make each other individuals, not titles - and this non-verbal communication seemed to have always worked. all the arguments that were never said. the love that had been there for a while, and had only been declared so manjiro could tell yu 'no matter what' was a large part of it.
which is why manjiro recognizes the touch as the words that are wrapped around it - and it makes him want to cry, but no tear ever forms. there's a ball of tension that forms when their hands touch, and perhaps this isn't going to be the time that he tells yu about it - how part of him wishes his newfound power could work, and how most of him wouldn't change it. how he could just make it back - make it so they never met.
but then he would miss all the moments that made him understand exactly what each gesture the other gives him means. selfish, selfish, selfish.
tough situations don't bring out such emotions from him, they often bring smiles that pledge that it will all end up okay. that manjiro will be okay. there's no need to worry, he's here, he got it. years of sharing burdens didn't take that away from him, flaws that are so deeply craved into his core - his way of being strong.
unsurprisingly, the smile that he gives when he feels helpless shows, but it's laced with a layer of relief. the warmth of yu's fingers against mikey's calloused knuckles, the way he just got to hear a laugh - all that he didn't think could be possible weeks back. he hears it, crystal-clear - 'i missed you'.
'i know.'
that's what he's saying as he slowly allows his head to rest against the other boy's shoulder, face hot and scarlet due to all the alcohol he has circling his body. the hand that touches his own is taken to his lips, a knuckle kissed as he would when they were talking about difficult things.
such as now.)
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So he stays like this for a while, fingers laced together, sharing weight.
It's hard to say how much time passes; it feels like ages and seconds all at once, but he feels so content, in the moment, that he's reluctant to change it. And yet...sitting on the bar like this, he feels the heaviness set in behind his eyelids.
It-- sort of brings the reality of their current situation back into focus.]
That nap bundle, [he says, soft and unhurried.] Was there just one?
[He thinks better of the original phrasing he had intended -- do you think it's big enough for two? No matter how many forward strides he's made in such a short period of time, he's not sure he's ready for that closeness just yet.]
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all quiet whispers that manjiro ignores for the time being. the words almost take him out of it, but they don't.)
Apparently, just one... It used to be the owner's - but don't fall asleep yet, Yuchin... I have something to ask you... Soon. I don't-- want to ruin it.
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It-- it's no use thinking that way, though.
He's a little bit lost in it, watching Mikey through half-lidded eyes, enough so that it takes him a moment to register what the other boy is saying.]
Mm? [A nod, slow as molasses, and his hand squeezes the other boy's, just barely.] I won't.
[He doesn't push on the question, but that doesn't mean he's not thinking about it. Don't want to ruin it...? His expression is thoughtful as he runs the words through his mind, holding back his desire to figure out what that could mean.]
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it's contrasting, sure, with the ways they tend to be, but it takes a while to fill an ocean.
he sighs, giving yu a little last nuzzle against his shoulder before he can separate, but in no moment does he let the hand go. the grip is soft, easy to slip out of it that's yu's decision through the conversation as he distances himself just enough to look at him.
his hair is messy, and he gets sick of it quickly, letting the long strands fall on his shoulder.)
You said something the other day, and I've been thinking about it. It was-- something about how people who accepted help made it in your world. I don't think you ever told me that part of your whole deal. The fuck did that even mean, Yuchin?
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... He doesn't like it, the uncertainty that stretches between them. These strange moments between ice and fire, warming and cooling one another in unexpected turns. It can't possibly stay like this forever, Yu knows that more than anything else. But how it'll change, and in what ways it'll change...that remains a mystery to him, right now.
Well. He can't resist a mystery.
Yu cants his head a bit at the question, thinking back. The things he said back then...they feel a bit like a blur of panic and anxiety. His stomach twists a bit at the mere memory.]
Mm, [he starts, thoughtfully.] People who got pushed into the TV world...after a few days, the Shadows that lived there would go into a frenzy and fight them. The people who died -- they were alone. They had no idea what was happening, and no way to fight against it.
[No way to know that they had to accept their Shadow selves.]
Once we started going in there...we were able to work together to save people.
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this isn't his decision, though. he's learned as much that it takes two to fix a past, and he allows yu to guide this conflict as a dance, at times bringing them closer, at times, distancing, all part of an intricate flow of yearning and repelling. he can only be better than he was yesterday - actions.
for a while, he says nothing. his hands are focused on the one between them, a touch, a gentle press, an index going across the knuckles as he attentively absorbs each and every word.)
You said... The Shadows were them, though. Their own shit, coming to bite them in the ass. Somethin' bout acceptin' it. Sorry, I don't remember too good, I was... Nervous.
(an admission that he would never do sober.)
... I don't know if it's the same, but every time I accepted the curse, shit went sideways in horrible, horrible ways. ... I think that's kinda what it did. Took all my shit and tenfolded it.
... Did you? Get to see your own shit like that.
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[Nervous is only one of many things he was feeling, admittedly -- but it was one. He doesn't say it aloud, but in a way, Yu is grateful for this small amount of extra honesty. It feels...new. And with how new things are for both of them, how new Mikey is to him, he appreciates each reminder that things are undoubtedly different. That they will always be different.
And...that different is not bad.]
They were. [A nod, and a soft, thoughtful exhale.] Shadows in the Midnight Channel were born from humans. When a human lost control of their suppressed self...it turned into a Shadow. If it was rejected by the person it belonged to, it'd go berserk. I don't know if it was the same, but...it was a reminder that everyone has darkness in them. Things they want to hide. Feelings they wish they didn't have.
[You're not me. You are me. Three little words that resulted in two deaths and the near death of all of his friends. Bitter truths and dark secrets, shameful admittances and desperate pleas to be recognized as who they were -- all of who they were.
Ah, look at that. Mikey may not have meant to find a crack in the facade, but he does, with that question, and Yu frowns a bit.]
... No. I never did. [He might stop there, normally. But between the alcohol in his system and the determined need to keep silence from falling, he continues.] I had seen all of them go through so much, facing all of these terrible things, but I never had to do it myself. For a while, I thought maybe that meant I was...broken, in some way, or-- empty, maybe.
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this is not exactly the same for his experiences, he comes to find. he'd reject it as much as he could, he'd become depressed and dissociated to keep it quiet. he accepted it, he'd lose everything he ever had. he wasn't meant to know what would have happened if he accepted any sort of help, what would have happened if he never leaped back in time. he was meant to take these experiences and fix it from ground up.
... this is a conversation, probably. he'll speak, too, alcohol moving the words out of his mouth before he could think on them.)
... That's not what I think, Yuchin. You're a leader, there's nowhere else but to face your own shit, whether for yourself or others. Maybe it hadn't taken form because you had accepted that and all your own shit already. I can list all your flaws to your face right now and I'm sure all you'd do is listen, composed as fuck, and all you'd say is 'you're right'. Ain't that facing and accepting it, in a way?
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He may never get answers about that. About why it wasn't the same, for him. But Mikey is right in one regard, at least -- he doesn't feel empty, at least not anymore, and he's just as human as anyone else...flaws and all.]
I'm not accepting criticism at this time, [he says with a light half-smile, nudging the other boy's shoulder.] ... but I understand what you're saying.
[Maybe someday he'll find himself face-to-face with a Shadow after all. Maybe he won't. For now, all he can do is recognize those things within himself and act on them, or accept them, or both.]
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forgiving.)
Did you hope you'd go through it, too? The same way as everyone else.
(he'd think so. it'd suck as a leader to not suffer amongst the ones you lead.)
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Is it that obvious?
[Not to say that he was jealous or felt left out. Not to say, either, that he felt lucky or anything of the sort. He never envied his friends' experiences so much as he feared what it might have meant that he didn't share them. Was he empty? Was something missing from him, in some way? Was his Shadow too broken, too fragmented to appear?
(Mikey is right, of course, that he overthinks.)
Yu is quiet for another thoughtful moment, mulling it over in his head. He had never faced his own Shadow, but he had confronted more within himself than he ever expected to. So...did it matter?]
I don't think that way anymore. About being 'empty.'
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(to say manjiro's smart would be pushing it. he just sees things in a quite unique way, almost too poetic, but wholly true. if asked, he'd say that yu's head is a sea of 'whats' and 'whys', floating in a crowd until one comes to shore. he's too used to these silences as the answer swims to surface, so he doesn't push it.
instead, one of his hands leave yu's to grab the bottle. two, three gulps, and then he passes it. he's grounding himself until he forgets that he has done so.)
But you still have trouble letting people see that, though. Wonder why that is.
(it doesn't escape his memory, how yu hides from him at times. how he muffles sounds, conceals his expression.
is it the moment that he gets to see it the issue, or is it mikey, or is it... just as is?)
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