(the way his face brightens with yu being a little shit is indescribable. at first, a moment of confusion - the unexpectedness of a joke makes the large, still dullish eyes goggle just a little bit, his mouth slightly opening in awe and soon, that small separation between his lips turns into a large smile, beaming in a way that it might as well shine a warm light on the dimness in this basement - his eyes closing almost instantly in response to the joy that moves his expression around.
it feels so good, maybe in a way that yu doesn't understand, or in a way that he does way too personally.
in a way he might be feeling, too.)
Some disrespect is hot, though. You can get a pass now and then, I'll allow it.
Edited (prepositions, my enemy) 2024-06-18 19:26 (UTC)
[Mikey's smile is impossibly bright. And Yu thinks, for a moment -- he had forgotten just how bright it was, when he was happy. When they were just together, like this, doing nothing, doing everything. Part of him aches at that loss of time, the memories stuffed into the back of his mind, wondering if he'd ever feel okay to bring them out again.
He...he's not ready to. Not yet. But he can see it on the horizon, right now.
Predictably, Mikey says something with ease that would rattle most people, and while Yu is not most people, his cheeks do color somewhat.]
I'll remember that. [Another drink. He passes the bottle back -- slower than before, knowing that Mikey is more of a lightweight.] Not that I need your permission, sir.
[He's missed this. More than he can possibly bear to admit.]
(that part of him that used to come out to his lovers - the one who was tired of being magnanimous, one that just wanted to be, be taken rather than take. one that needed titles to rest for just a little while, where he didn't have to be leading, to be imposing, to be fighting.
a part that has dissolved alongside toman - he no longer holds a title, after all. he is just manjiro sano, and so much of him is the same, and yet, so different. a weight has lifted from his shoulders, and he can breathe with so much more ease.
and what else makes him speak with so much ease? alcohol, so maybe he can be forgiven by the shit he says next.)
Ugh, let's change the subject, I had been pining for you even before I left the dojo, don't make me crave you now, it's a shit time for that.
[He does, and the fact that they both know that may just be what ends up pulling the smile onto his face -- small, soft, but very much there. The laugh he exhales in response is barely more than a breath, but it, too, exists, at least enough that it can't be denied.
No matter how many lives he's lived, the filter is still the same: nonexistent. Yu is familiar enough with that side of him that he barely bats an eye, but there's enough alcohol in his system that he can't fight back the flush that spills over his cheeks anyway. There's enough that, for a moment, he doesn't really know what to say in response. The thoughts are all crowding each other out in his head. The lightness from those earlier quips fades away, not completely, but enough that the moment feels a little more serious. Thoughtful.
And-- there is one thought that returns, again and again. I missed you.
Yu isn't sure how he feels about that, even now. He's aware, mentally and maybe physically now, that he's not in any danger. All the same, the hurt is still there, behind his eyelids, creeping out of his memories when he least expects it. How can you miss someone who betrayed you so wholly?
The other side of that coin: how can he keep holding so much against the other boy when he's clearly so different now?
He doesn't have any answers. Some leader he is, right now. He doesn't even have words to respond -- he does so with actions instead. They're already close, sitting nearly shoulder to shoulder. But his hand creeps closer, and he puts his fingers over Mikey's. I missed you. It's hard to say it with words.]
(a lot of their story has never been written, a series of unspoken fights with furious kisses for screams, kisses to the forehead as words of affirmation, disappearances for cold shoulders. actions have always spoken much louder than words, and manjiro's words have never had the depth one needs to understand the story life has written for him. facts, not feelings. 'it is that', rather than 'i feel'.
in their own leadership status, they found ways to make each other equal, to make each other individuals, not titles - and this non-verbal communication seemed to have always worked. all the arguments that were never said. the love that had been there for a while, and had only been declared so manjiro could tell yu 'no matter what' was a large part of it.
which is why manjiro recognizes the touch as the words that are wrapped around it - and it makes him want to cry, but no tear ever forms. there's a ball of tension that forms when their hands touch, and perhaps this isn't going to be the time that he tells yu about it - how part of him wishes his newfound power could work, and how most of him wouldn't change it. how he could just make it back - make it so they never met.
but then he would miss all the moments that made him understand exactly what each gesture the other gives him means. selfish, selfish, selfish.
tough situations don't bring out such emotions from him, they often bring smiles that pledge that it will all end up okay. that manjiro will be okay. there's no need to worry, he's here, he got it. years of sharing burdens didn't take that away from him, flaws that are so deeply craved into his core - his way of being strong.
unsurprisingly, the smile that he gives when he feels helpless shows, but it's laced with a layer of relief. the warmth of yu's fingers against mikey's calloused knuckles, the way he just got to hear a laugh - all that he didn't think could be possible weeks back. he hears it, crystal-clear - 'i missed you'.
'i know.'
that's what he's saying as he slowly allows his head to rest against the other boy's shoulder, face hot and scarlet due to all the alcohol he has circling his body. the hand that touches his own is taken to his lips, a knuckle kissed as he would when they were talking about difficult things.
[Mikey feels warm, as he presses his head against Yu's shoulder, and Yu-- he feels it, too, the pleasant buzz in his head, the flush on his cheeks. He's not sure he could describe himself as relaxed, exactly, and part of him wonders if he'll ever feel so relaxed again. If it'll ever feel as natural. But...it feels easier with every moment, just being here. Just being.
So he stays like this for a while, fingers laced together, sharing weight.
It's hard to say how much time passes; it feels like ages and seconds all at once, but he feels so content, in the moment, that he's reluctant to change it. And yet...sitting on the bar like this, he feels the heaviness set in behind his eyelids.
It-- sort of brings the reality of their current situation back into focus.]
That nap bundle, [he says, soft and unhurried.] Was there just one?
[He thinks better of the original phrasing he had intended -- do you think it's big enough for two? No matter how many forward strides he's made in such a short period of time, he's not sure he's ready for that closeness just yet.]
(warm is what he can't help but feel as they sit there together. a heat on his cheeks from the alcohol that is making his cheeks ridiculously crimson, which hides the fact that even without the substance, he would maybe still be blushing right now. the kisses he gives are all so slow, almost like he's committing the feeling of yu's skin to memory, each knuckle, each caress against the soft skin of his hand. he feels comfortable, almost too much so - almost like he never left, although there are a series of painful realizations that he leaves on the back of his mind. this might be happening because of the alcohol. enjoy it, it might not happen again. it doesn't mean it's all past them. he might not come around, still.
all quiet whispers that manjiro ignores for the time being. the words almost take him out of it, but they don't.)
Apparently, just one... It used to be the owner's - but don't fall asleep yet, Yuchin... I have something to ask you... Soon. I don't-- want to ruin it.
[This is too close, and some rational part of Yu's mind feels that intensely. Too close, and yet he can't pull away -- or maybe some part of him doesn't want to. Too close, and yet, even with every pang of guilt and regret that lances through him...he doesn't pull away. He simply watches, and feels, and wonders how things might have been different, if either one of them had forfeited. If either one of them hadn't been there.
It-- it's no use thinking that way, though.
He's a little bit lost in it, watching Mikey through half-lidded eyes, enough so that it takes him a moment to register what the other boy is saying.]
Mm? [A nod, slow as molasses, and his hand squeezes the other boy's, just barely.] I won't.
[He doesn't push on the question, but that doesn't mean he's not thinking about it. Don't want to ruin it...? His expression is thoughtful as he runs the words through his mind, holding back his desire to figure out what that could mean.]
(there's only so much that yu can give. manjiro can't ask more than that - he knows that both of them can be storms when the time is right, but right now, they're a creek that is slowly starting to flow. whatever yu can give him, he'll gladly take, from the fact that he hasn't moved to the gentle squeezes that the other is giving as reassurance.
it's contrasting, sure, with the ways they tend to be, but it takes a while to fill an ocean.
he sighs, giving yu a little last nuzzle against his shoulder before he can separate, but in no moment does he let the hand go. the grip is soft, easy to slip out of it that's yu's decision through the conversation as he distances himself just enough to look at him.
his hair is messy, and he gets sick of it quickly, letting the long strands fall on his shoulder.)
You said something the other day, and I've been thinking about it. It was-- something about how people who accepted help made it in your world. I don't think you ever told me that part of your whole deal. The fuck did that even mean, Yuchin?
[The change is palpable when Mikey moves, the coolness that settles over his shoulder without the other boy's warmth on it.
... He doesn't like it, the uncertainty that stretches between them. These strange moments between ice and fire, warming and cooling one another in unexpected turns. It can't possibly stay like this forever, Yu knows that more than anything else. But how it'll change, and in what ways it'll change...that remains a mystery to him, right now.
Well. He can't resist a mystery.
Yu cants his head a bit at the question, thinking back. The things he said back then...they feel a bit like a blur of panic and anxiety. His stomach twists a bit at the mere memory.]
Mm, [he starts, thoughtfully.] People who got pushed into the TV world...after a few days, the Shadows that lived there would go into a frenzy and fight them. The people who died -- they were alone. They had no idea what was happening, and no way to fight against it.
[No way to know that they had to accept their Shadow selves.]
Once we started going in there...we were able to work together to save people.
(likewise, manjiro isn't particularly into it. either freeze him to the bone or burn him to the ground, no in-between, but that's only if it were up to him. uncertainty isn't particularly welcome - he dies or kills, but he doesn't wander in limbo for too long.
this isn't his decision, though. he's learned as much that it takes two to fix a past, and he allows yu to guide this conflict as a dance, at times bringing them closer, at times, distancing, all part of an intricate flow of yearning and repelling. he can only be better than he was yesterday - actions.
for a while, he says nothing. his hands are focused on the one between them, a touch, a gentle press, an index going across the knuckles as he attentively absorbs each and every word.)
You said... The Shadows were them, though. Their own shit, coming to bite them in the ass. Somethin' bout acceptin' it. Sorry, I don't remember too good, I was... Nervous.
(an admission that he would never do sober.)
... I don't know if it's the same, but every time I accepted the curse, shit went sideways in horrible, horrible ways. ... I think that's kinda what it did. Took all my shit and tenfolded it.
[Nervous is only one of many things he was feeling, admittedly -- but it was one. He doesn't say it aloud, but in a way, Yu is grateful for this small amount of extra honesty. It feels...new. And with how new things are for both of them, how new Mikey is to him, he appreciates each reminder that things are undoubtedly different. That they will always be different.
And...that different is not bad.]
They were. [A nod, and a soft, thoughtful exhale.] Shadows in the Midnight Channel were born from humans. When a human lost control of their suppressed self...it turned into a Shadow. If it was rejected by the person it belonged to, it'd go berserk. I don't know if it was the same, but...it was a reminder that everyone has darkness in them. Things they want to hide. Feelings they wish they didn't have.
[You're not me. You are me. Three little words that resulted in two deaths and the near death of all of his friends. Bitter truths and dark secrets, shameful admittances and desperate pleas to be recognized as who they were -- all of who they were.
Ah, look at that. Mikey may not have meant to find a crack in the facade, but he does, with that question, and Yu frowns a bit.]
... No. I never did. [He might stop there, normally. But between the alcohol in his system and the determined need to keep silence from falling, he continues.] I had seen all of them go through so much, facing all of these terrible things, but I never had to do it myself. For a while, I thought maybe that meant I was...broken, in some way, or-- empty, maybe.
(one can only see things from their own experiences, after all. manjiro is trying to see this through the curse, just like yu finds the link between the curse and his own journey. his eyes close, simply so he can focus on yu's words and skin as the sole stimuli he wants to pay attention to.
this is not exactly the same for his experiences, he comes to find. he'd reject it as much as he could, he'd become depressed and dissociated to keep it quiet. he accepted it, he'd lose everything he ever had. he wasn't meant to know what would have happened if he accepted any sort of help, what would have happened if he never leaped back in time. he was meant to take these experiences and fix it from ground up.
... this is a conversation, probably. he'll speak, too, alcohol moving the words out of his mouth before he could think on them.)
... That's not what I think, Yuchin. You're a leader, there's nowhere else but to face your own shit, whether for yourself or others. Maybe it hadn't taken form because you had accepted that and all your own shit already. I can list all your flaws to your face right now and I'm sure all you'd do is listen, composed as fuck, and all you'd say is 'you're right'. Ain't that facing and accepting it, in a way?
[It's not the same, really. Yu can't entirely articulate the difference, but he knows that there is one, and that discordant realization is frustrating. Going into the Midnight Channel and finding nothing there waiting for him...
He may never get answers about that. About why it wasn't the same, for him. But Mikey is right in one regard, at least -- he doesn't feel empty, at least not anymore, and he's just as human as anyone else...flaws and all.]
I'm not accepting criticism at this time, [he says with a light half-smile, nudging the other boy's shoulder.] ... but I understand what you're saying.
[Maybe someday he'll find himself face-to-face with a Shadow after all. Maybe he won't. For now, all he can do is recognize those things within himself and act on them, or accept them, or both.]
(the way he puts it makes his eyes open, stare at the other's face for half a second before a laugh comes out of his lips. full of jokes today, huh? it's fine. yu is not perfect, much like any of them. overthinker, with too much to say, and words that won't come out. overthinker with too many feelings that bubble within him, and yet, he maintains his posture. overthinker, optimistic, just way too good of a person - so good that he finds himself sitting here with someone who might not even deserve him in the first place.
forgiving.)
Did you hope you'd go through it, too? The same way as everyone else.
(he'd think so. it'd suck as a leader to not suffer amongst the ones you lead.)
[His expression turns wry. There are some moments --uncomfortable ones-- when he feels like the other boy can see right through him, as if he's translucent. Predictable. A book long since read and memorized.]
Is it that obvious?
[Not to say that he was jealous or felt left out. Not to say, either, that he felt lucky or anything of the sort. He never envied his friends' experiences so much as he feared what it might have meant that he didn't share them. Was he empty? Was something missing from him, in some way? Was his Shadow too broken, too fragmented to appear?
(Mikey is right, of course, that he overthinks.)
Yu is quiet for another thoughtful moment, mulling it over in his head. He had never faced his own Shadow, but he had confronted more within himself than he ever expected to. So...did it matter?]
I don't think that way anymore. About being 'empty.'
(to say manjiro's smart would be pushing it. he just sees things in a quite unique way, almost too poetic, but wholly true. if asked, he'd say that yu's head is a sea of 'whats' and 'whys', floating in a crowd until one comes to shore. he's too used to these silences as the answer swims to surface, so he doesn't push it.
instead, one of his hands leave yu's to grab the bottle. two, three gulps, and then he passes it. he's grounding himself until he forgets that he has done so.)
But you still have trouble letting people see that, though. Wonder why that is.
(it doesn't escape his memory, how yu hides from him at times. how he muffles sounds, conceals his expression.
is it the moment that he gets to see it the issue, or is it mikey, or is it... just as is?)
[He knows why. It's impossible not to know, with the way the thoughts spin through his head. Each little analysis, each moment etched into the path that brought him to where he is now. Who he is. Survival instinct that he never retrained, never faced -- and maybe that, too, is part of why he wished he had faced a Shadow. Facing those things, admitting their truth...it had made all of his friends stronger.
Maybe it would have made him stronger too.]
... It's hard. Being seen. Letting people see past the strong points. [He takes the bottle back, takes another long drink. Mikey punches hard, even metaphorically. But this is a realm where Yu excels, too.]
It makes you feel weak. Doesn't it?
[A knowing look is his counterstrike. It's the very thing that had come between them, after all. Only fair to bring it up now, if they're pulling everything out of its grave.]
(oh, the audacity of this bitch. it makes him laugh, just a little, because this is such a point for both of them. strength, how they see it, harbor it, and yield it. dark, hollowish large eyes look at the other with exasperated fondness. is this what would have happened if they actually spoke more often?)
What makes you feel weak doesn't make me feel weak because, unlike your humble ass, I happen to think I'm the absolute shit.
(ah, alcohol.)
... But through our relationship before all this crap, you ain't ever made me feel weak or nothin', you know. I didn't feel like The Invincible Mikey, I just felt like Manjiro Sano. I ain't ever got problems with you seeing my flaws, what makes me feel weak is you seeing me not handling them like I should.
[He can't even blink at that -- it's so very like how he is that Yu finds himself exhaling a dry laugh.
It's the rest of it that stings. If they had talked about this months ago, if they had showed these parts of themselves before it was too late...would they be in this situation in the first place? It hurts to think about, a deep ache that he can't quite reconcile with the brief hint of anger and frustration that wells up from that same place.]
You think you never need help handling those flaws. Look what happened.
[--oh. It's out of his mouth before he can think better of it. The anger is more like a spark than a flame though, and it dies, deflates, replaced by the bone-weariness that's been weighing his shoulders down for weeks.]
... Would Manjiro Sano have left to face all of that alone, too? Or was that the Invincible Mikey's choice?
(he can't even be mad, solely agreeing quietly. maybe he would still have left, even if he had spoken everything there was to speak. they can't know, too many variables, too many things that they'd have to have done even before reaching that point.
these discussions would have been one of them. never too late to start something, it seems.)
... That Manjiro Sano would have done that, too. It's something I'm still learning to do, but it doesn't make me feel half as shitty now.
(the beat is so long that he takes to gather the courage to speak again.)
If I had stayed, though, I don't think you would still love me through it. It felt easier to leave than to go through that.
[His voice is soft, but he sounds so sure, for something so new. Then again, he's seen it, too: Nanako and Dojima-san trying to navigate their relationship through loneliness and unresolved grief. Kuroda-san living on after her husband deteriorated and died. His own feelings for his friends -- and theirs for him. Getting through it is part of love. He's sure of it.
The fact that Mikey didn't give him the chance to show that...that hurts, too.]
I wish you had let me prove you wrong.
[His eyes are on the bottle, now only half-full. Or half-empty. Isn't that the question? It's a little while before he speaks again, both out of reluctance and a strong need to make sure he's using the right words. He holds the bottle out for the other, finally dragging his attention back to make eye contact.]
... I think... I'd like to know this Manjiro Sano better.
(he knows. he's seen the personification of love itself, losing everything to save everything, over, over, and over. all the things takemitchy has done for manjiro, he can't understand it, not after the long list of shit that he had done - takemitchy had always believed in a future where mikey could smile freely.
he's ridiculously loved. he knows that better than anyone. hardly deserves it, but he is. that's what the council has over his head this time, and for once -- yes. actually, yes.
there's no response for him, because he too wishes he had, in a way. it doesn't make him less scared of the person he has the potential to be, but it's not about him. it's about the fact that yu too could have shown him that he believed in a future where mikey could breathe. it's a lot to put out there, may his silence be the agreeing they both need to go with the silence.
eye contact-- his large eyes goggle a little bit at the scene. in a way, he knew they were making some progress, but this came out of yu - not mikey himself.)
... I'd like you to get to know me, too.
(he's not that different. same flaws, better handling, but it's enough to make a difference.)
[Yu can feel the agreement in the quiet, the acknowledgement of wrongdoing, the realization that things could have been better... or at least different. It's all he needed, really: that acquiescent nod to how things could have been. There's nothing to hold over anymore, after that: the anger, resentment, hurt -- it's time to start letting them go.
... in some ways, that's the hard part.
He squeezes the other boy's hand gently. He's not smiling, exactly, but his expression is lighter than it has been in a while.]
It might take me some time, still.
[But it's a process he's ready to start, at least.]
(never has manjiro ever looked at yu with so much fondness in his eyes. he was in love before, but right now, he feels a little bit more so, and it shows in the way his lips attempt to bite back a smile as he takes the bottle that was offered to him. the way he can't help the smitten expression that takes over his face for just a little while, and he smiles a little... is that shyness? is that joy? is that... love? he wouldn't know how to describe it other than the feeling of a wave that crashed onto shore returning to the ocean. some sense of peace, even knowing that it will crash again soon.
and the sip, before he replaces the bottle for a cigarette, burning the tip to drag in the smoke.)
I'll... Try to be patient. I... Still really fucking like you, you know. None of this changes that.
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it feels so good, maybe in a way that yu doesn't understand, or in a way that he does way too personally.
in a way he might be feeling, too.)
Some disrespect is hot, though. You can get a pass now and then, I'll allow it.
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He...he's not ready to. Not yet. But he can see it on the horizon, right now.
Predictably, Mikey says something with ease that would rattle most people, and while Yu is not most people, his cheeks do color somewhat.]
I'll remember that. [Another drink. He passes the bottle back -- slower than before, knowing that Mikey is more of a lightweight.] Not that I need your permission, sir.
[He's missed this. More than he can possibly bear to admit.]
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(that part of him that used to come out to his lovers - the one who was tired of being magnanimous, one that just wanted to be, be taken rather than take. one that needed titles to rest for just a little while, where he didn't have to be leading, to be imposing, to be fighting.
a part that has dissolved alongside toman - he no longer holds a title, after all. he is just manjiro sano, and so much of him is the same, and yet, so different. a weight has lifted from his shoulders, and he can breathe with so much more ease.
and what else makes him speak with so much ease? alcohol, so maybe he can be forgiven by the shit he says next.)
Ugh, let's change the subject, I had been pining for you even before I left the dojo, don't make me crave you now, it's a shit time for that.
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No matter how many lives he's lived, the filter is still the same: nonexistent. Yu is familiar enough with that side of him that he barely bats an eye, but there's enough alcohol in his system that he can't fight back the flush that spills over his cheeks anyway. There's enough that, for a moment, he doesn't really know what to say in response. The thoughts are all crowding each other out in his head. The lightness from those earlier quips fades away, not completely, but enough that the moment feels a little more serious. Thoughtful.
And-- there is one thought that returns, again and again. I missed you.
Yu isn't sure how he feels about that, even now. He's aware, mentally and maybe physically now, that he's not in any danger. All the same, the hurt is still there, behind his eyelids, creeping out of his memories when he least expects it. How can you miss someone who betrayed you so wholly?
The other side of that coin: how can he keep holding so much against the other boy when he's clearly so different now?
He doesn't have any answers. Some leader he is, right now. He doesn't even have words to respond -- he does so with actions instead. They're already close, sitting nearly shoulder to shoulder. But his hand creeps closer, and he puts his fingers over Mikey's. I missed you. It's hard to say it with words.]
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in their own leadership status, they found ways to make each other equal, to make each other individuals, not titles - and this non-verbal communication seemed to have always worked. all the arguments that were never said. the love that had been there for a while, and had only been declared so manjiro could tell yu 'no matter what' was a large part of it.
which is why manjiro recognizes the touch as the words that are wrapped around it - and it makes him want to cry, but no tear ever forms. there's a ball of tension that forms when their hands touch, and perhaps this isn't going to be the time that he tells yu about it - how part of him wishes his newfound power could work, and how most of him wouldn't change it. how he could just make it back - make it so they never met.
but then he would miss all the moments that made him understand exactly what each gesture the other gives him means. selfish, selfish, selfish.
tough situations don't bring out such emotions from him, they often bring smiles that pledge that it will all end up okay. that manjiro will be okay. there's no need to worry, he's here, he got it. years of sharing burdens didn't take that away from him, flaws that are so deeply craved into his core - his way of being strong.
unsurprisingly, the smile that he gives when he feels helpless shows, but it's laced with a layer of relief. the warmth of yu's fingers against mikey's calloused knuckles, the way he just got to hear a laugh - all that he didn't think could be possible weeks back. he hears it, crystal-clear - 'i missed you'.
'i know.'
that's what he's saying as he slowly allows his head to rest against the other boy's shoulder, face hot and scarlet due to all the alcohol he has circling his body. the hand that touches his own is taken to his lips, a knuckle kissed as he would when they were talking about difficult things.
such as now.)
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So he stays like this for a while, fingers laced together, sharing weight.
It's hard to say how much time passes; it feels like ages and seconds all at once, but he feels so content, in the moment, that he's reluctant to change it. And yet...sitting on the bar like this, he feels the heaviness set in behind his eyelids.
It-- sort of brings the reality of their current situation back into focus.]
That nap bundle, [he says, soft and unhurried.] Was there just one?
[He thinks better of the original phrasing he had intended -- do you think it's big enough for two? No matter how many forward strides he's made in such a short period of time, he's not sure he's ready for that closeness just yet.]
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all quiet whispers that manjiro ignores for the time being. the words almost take him out of it, but they don't.)
Apparently, just one... It used to be the owner's - but don't fall asleep yet, Yuchin... I have something to ask you... Soon. I don't-- want to ruin it.
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It-- it's no use thinking that way, though.
He's a little bit lost in it, watching Mikey through half-lidded eyes, enough so that it takes him a moment to register what the other boy is saying.]
Mm? [A nod, slow as molasses, and his hand squeezes the other boy's, just barely.] I won't.
[He doesn't push on the question, but that doesn't mean he's not thinking about it. Don't want to ruin it...? His expression is thoughtful as he runs the words through his mind, holding back his desire to figure out what that could mean.]
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it's contrasting, sure, with the ways they tend to be, but it takes a while to fill an ocean.
he sighs, giving yu a little last nuzzle against his shoulder before he can separate, but in no moment does he let the hand go. the grip is soft, easy to slip out of it that's yu's decision through the conversation as he distances himself just enough to look at him.
his hair is messy, and he gets sick of it quickly, letting the long strands fall on his shoulder.)
You said something the other day, and I've been thinking about it. It was-- something about how people who accepted help made it in your world. I don't think you ever told me that part of your whole deal. The fuck did that even mean, Yuchin?
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... He doesn't like it, the uncertainty that stretches between them. These strange moments between ice and fire, warming and cooling one another in unexpected turns. It can't possibly stay like this forever, Yu knows that more than anything else. But how it'll change, and in what ways it'll change...that remains a mystery to him, right now.
Well. He can't resist a mystery.
Yu cants his head a bit at the question, thinking back. The things he said back then...they feel a bit like a blur of panic and anxiety. His stomach twists a bit at the mere memory.]
Mm, [he starts, thoughtfully.] People who got pushed into the TV world...after a few days, the Shadows that lived there would go into a frenzy and fight them. The people who died -- they were alone. They had no idea what was happening, and no way to fight against it.
[No way to know that they had to accept their Shadow selves.]
Once we started going in there...we were able to work together to save people.
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this isn't his decision, though. he's learned as much that it takes two to fix a past, and he allows yu to guide this conflict as a dance, at times bringing them closer, at times, distancing, all part of an intricate flow of yearning and repelling. he can only be better than he was yesterday - actions.
for a while, he says nothing. his hands are focused on the one between them, a touch, a gentle press, an index going across the knuckles as he attentively absorbs each and every word.)
You said... The Shadows were them, though. Their own shit, coming to bite them in the ass. Somethin' bout acceptin' it. Sorry, I don't remember too good, I was... Nervous.
(an admission that he would never do sober.)
... I don't know if it's the same, but every time I accepted the curse, shit went sideways in horrible, horrible ways. ... I think that's kinda what it did. Took all my shit and tenfolded it.
... Did you? Get to see your own shit like that.
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[Nervous is only one of many things he was feeling, admittedly -- but it was one. He doesn't say it aloud, but in a way, Yu is grateful for this small amount of extra honesty. It feels...new. And with how new things are for both of them, how new Mikey is to him, he appreciates each reminder that things are undoubtedly different. That they will always be different.
And...that different is not bad.]
They were. [A nod, and a soft, thoughtful exhale.] Shadows in the Midnight Channel were born from humans. When a human lost control of their suppressed self...it turned into a Shadow. If it was rejected by the person it belonged to, it'd go berserk. I don't know if it was the same, but...it was a reminder that everyone has darkness in them. Things they want to hide. Feelings they wish they didn't have.
[You're not me. You are me. Three little words that resulted in two deaths and the near death of all of his friends. Bitter truths and dark secrets, shameful admittances and desperate pleas to be recognized as who they were -- all of who they were.
Ah, look at that. Mikey may not have meant to find a crack in the facade, but he does, with that question, and Yu frowns a bit.]
... No. I never did. [He might stop there, normally. But between the alcohol in his system and the determined need to keep silence from falling, he continues.] I had seen all of them go through so much, facing all of these terrible things, but I never had to do it myself. For a while, I thought maybe that meant I was...broken, in some way, or-- empty, maybe.
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this is not exactly the same for his experiences, he comes to find. he'd reject it as much as he could, he'd become depressed and dissociated to keep it quiet. he accepted it, he'd lose everything he ever had. he wasn't meant to know what would have happened if he accepted any sort of help, what would have happened if he never leaped back in time. he was meant to take these experiences and fix it from ground up.
... this is a conversation, probably. he'll speak, too, alcohol moving the words out of his mouth before he could think on them.)
... That's not what I think, Yuchin. You're a leader, there's nowhere else but to face your own shit, whether for yourself or others. Maybe it hadn't taken form because you had accepted that and all your own shit already. I can list all your flaws to your face right now and I'm sure all you'd do is listen, composed as fuck, and all you'd say is 'you're right'. Ain't that facing and accepting it, in a way?
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He may never get answers about that. About why it wasn't the same, for him. But Mikey is right in one regard, at least -- he doesn't feel empty, at least not anymore, and he's just as human as anyone else...flaws and all.]
I'm not accepting criticism at this time, [he says with a light half-smile, nudging the other boy's shoulder.] ... but I understand what you're saying.
[Maybe someday he'll find himself face-to-face with a Shadow after all. Maybe he won't. For now, all he can do is recognize those things within himself and act on them, or accept them, or both.]
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forgiving.)
Did you hope you'd go through it, too? The same way as everyone else.
(he'd think so. it'd suck as a leader to not suffer amongst the ones you lead.)
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Is it that obvious?
[Not to say that he was jealous or felt left out. Not to say, either, that he felt lucky or anything of the sort. He never envied his friends' experiences so much as he feared what it might have meant that he didn't share them. Was he empty? Was something missing from him, in some way? Was his Shadow too broken, too fragmented to appear?
(Mikey is right, of course, that he overthinks.)
Yu is quiet for another thoughtful moment, mulling it over in his head. He had never faced his own Shadow, but he had confronted more within himself than he ever expected to. So...did it matter?]
I don't think that way anymore. About being 'empty.'
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(to say manjiro's smart would be pushing it. he just sees things in a quite unique way, almost too poetic, but wholly true. if asked, he'd say that yu's head is a sea of 'whats' and 'whys', floating in a crowd until one comes to shore. he's too used to these silences as the answer swims to surface, so he doesn't push it.
instead, one of his hands leave yu's to grab the bottle. two, three gulps, and then he passes it. he's grounding himself until he forgets that he has done so.)
But you still have trouble letting people see that, though. Wonder why that is.
(it doesn't escape his memory, how yu hides from him at times. how he muffles sounds, conceals his expression.
is it the moment that he gets to see it the issue, or is it mikey, or is it... just as is?)
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Maybe it would have made him stronger too.]
... It's hard. Being seen. Letting people see past the strong points. [He takes the bottle back, takes another long drink. Mikey punches hard, even metaphorically. But this is a realm where Yu excels, too.]
It makes you feel weak. Doesn't it?
[A knowing look is his counterstrike. It's the very thing that had come between them, after all. Only fair to bring it up now, if they're pulling everything out of its grave.]
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What makes you feel weak doesn't make me feel weak because, unlike your humble ass, I happen to think I'm the absolute shit.
(ah, alcohol.)
... But through our relationship before all this crap, you ain't ever made me feel weak or nothin', you know. I didn't feel like The Invincible Mikey, I just felt like Manjiro Sano. I ain't ever got problems with you seeing my flaws, what makes me feel weak is you seeing me not handling them like I should.
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It's the rest of it that stings. If they had talked about this months ago, if they had showed these parts of themselves before it was too late...would they be in this situation in the first place? It hurts to think about, a deep ache that he can't quite reconcile with the brief hint of anger and frustration that wells up from that same place.]
You think you never need help handling those flaws. Look what happened.
[--oh. It's out of his mouth before he can think better of it. The anger is more like a spark than a flame though, and it dies, deflates, replaced by the bone-weariness that's been weighing his shoulders down for weeks.]
... Would Manjiro Sano have left to face all of that alone, too? Or was that the Invincible Mikey's choice?
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these discussions would have been one of them. never too late to start something, it seems.)
... That Manjiro Sano would have done that, too. It's something I'm still learning to do, but it doesn't make me feel half as shitty now.
(the beat is so long that he takes to gather the courage to speak again.)
If I had stayed, though, I don't think you would still love me through it. It felt easier to leave than to go through that.
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[His voice is soft, but he sounds so sure, for something so new. Then again, he's seen it, too: Nanako and Dojima-san trying to navigate their relationship through loneliness and unresolved grief. Kuroda-san living on after her husband deteriorated and died. His own feelings for his friends -- and theirs for him. Getting through it is part of love. He's sure of it.
The fact that Mikey didn't give him the chance to show that...that hurts, too.]
I wish you had let me prove you wrong.
[His eyes are on the bottle, now only half-full. Or half-empty. Isn't that the question? It's a little while before he speaks again, both out of reluctance and a strong need to make sure he's using the right words. He holds the bottle out for the other, finally dragging his attention back to make eye contact.]
... I think... I'd like to know this Manjiro Sano better.
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he's ridiculously loved. he knows that better than anyone. hardly deserves it, but he is. that's what the council has over his head this time, and for once -- yes. actually, yes.
there's no response for him, because he too wishes he had, in a way. it doesn't make him less scared of the person he has the potential to be, but it's not about him. it's about the fact that yu too could have shown him that he believed in a future where mikey could breathe. it's a lot to put out there, may his silence be the agreeing they both need to go with the silence.
eye contact-- his large eyes goggle a little bit at the scene. in a way, he knew they were making some progress, but this came out of yu - not mikey himself.)
... I'd like you to get to know me, too.
(he's not that different. same flaws, better handling, but it's enough to make a difference.)
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... in some ways, that's the hard part.
He squeezes the other boy's hand gently. He's not smiling, exactly, but his expression is lighter than it has been in a while.]
It might take me some time, still.
[But it's a process he's ready to start, at least.]
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(never has manjiro ever looked at yu with so much fondness in his eyes. he was in love before, but right now, he feels a little bit more so, and it shows in the way his lips attempt to bite back a smile as he takes the bottle that was offered to him. the way he can't help the smitten expression that takes over his face for just a little while, and he smiles a little... is that shyness? is that joy? is that... love? he wouldn't know how to describe it other than the feeling of a wave that crashed onto shore returning to the ocean. some sense of peace, even knowing that it will crash again soon.
and the sip, before he replaces the bottle for a cigarette, burning the tip to drag in the smoke.)
I'll... Try to be patient. I... Still really fucking like you, you know. None of this changes that.
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