[There were times, in the past, where long stories like this might have been a conversation. Where they had been a conversation, and Yu reveled in the details of them, moved by the intricacies that explained how his loved ones came to be who they are.
In the past, he might have looked at a story like this with pathos and understanding. He might have asked questions. He might have connected his own experiences for a more sympathetic look at Mikey's choices and actions. But-- that was before those hands choked the air from his lungs. Before those eyes had watched him die.
Now...he just looks tired and wary as he waits for whatever part may be relevant.]
... I don't mean to rush you, [he says, careful and composed, neutral in tone.] But I'd like for you to get to the point, please.
I'll tell you how it came to be another time if you wish to know, but I went back in time, and I had an entire second life to think about what I've done, not here, because I couldn't remember this, but I didn't do any different at home, either. I had time to think of what I could have done differently, and how things came to be. I know now that wouldn't have happened had I talked to you or anyone else. That wouldn't have happened if I had trusted the people around me rather than pushing them away. The curse was not the only problem, it was me thinking that I could deal with it myself that prompted all the issues that came from it. The curse didn't make me act that way, that was me, and I take full responsibility for it.
(and that's what he actually came to say. this is his cue. if yu wants to say anything, he is more than free too, but this. this is what it all comes down to. manjiro stands, hands in pockets, as if he is ready to leave if there's nothing else to come.)
[There it is. And honestly, Yu didn't know how badly he had wanted to hear those words until this exact moment...maybe too late. Before the tower, that might have been the end of it. This might have been a reunion, a soft embrace, a kiss on the forehead. I understand, he might have said. Right now, though...
Now, he can't bring himself to move closer. The thought of a touch makes him feel like the air's gone out of his lungs all over again.
Part of him, the part that's not reliving those moments, is devastated.
Mikey looks like he's ready to leave, this time really for someone else's sake instead of his own ego. The change is notable, palpable; all the same, Yu retains his own cool neutrality, as if it's a wall that can keep all of the pain at bay. For a moment, he considers responding with just a nod and letting the other boy go on his way. But in spite of, perhaps, his better judgment, he can't just let it go like that.]
You know... [a thoughtful pause; carefully, he gathers his words] When someone went into the TV world, their worst traits would manifest into a Shadow. Every negative thought, every terrible impulse... [He gives Mikey a pointed look, here, because he's always felt that connection.]
After a while, those Shadow selves would go into a frenzy and kill people. Even the person that manifested them in the first place. The only way to stop them was if the person they belonged to accepted them fully. The people who dealt with them on their own...they were the ones who died. The ones who had help were the ones who made it out.
[And that's what makes all of this so terrible. So infuriating. How much of this could have been avoided?]
(he was not expecting much in terms of words - honestly, if yu never wanted to address him ever again, that would be more than fair. in fact, that'd be logical. takemitchy kept trying with his every breath to reach mikey, and up to today, he doesn't think he was that worth all the trouble - from his brother all the way to the last confrontation manjiro ever had, guided by the darkness behind his eyes.
it'd hurt like everything else has, but yu'd be right. manjiro's forgiveness itself is a weird thing, he can forgive someone for killing, but he can't forgive himself for the same thing. he can't go back in time here, and truth be told, neither would he want to. this is what he deserves, the consequences of his actions.
so, while yu talks, his eyes watch him, never leaving yu's own pair.)
I know. I can't take it back, Yu. (technically, but alas) I can tell you that I deserve it if you decided to never talk to me again. Hell, if you kill me, I deserve that too and much worse... I don't want to lose you, though. I'll do whatever it takes to fix it.
I don't want that, [he's quick to say.] Killing you wouldn't make anything better. Neither does self-flagellation.
[No one deserves to die. That's perhaps among the things Yu believes most strongly. Mikey claiming that he deserves worse...that doesn't change anything, not really.
But he's not quick to add anything else, here, because the truth is that he doesn't know what he wants. That's hard to say, for a Leader -- hard to admit that you don't know which way to go. That you're pulled in different directions, that your head and heart are full of trauma and anger and sadness and, in spite of it all, a half-insane longing to make things better. He's so torn that he can't find a way to answer truthfully, for a moment.]
... To be honest, I don't know what I want, [he says at last, soft and reluctant.] I...think I need some time to figure it out.
(and the fact is - mikey is still mikey. curse or no curse, he comes from the same place he has ever been - with a rather strict code. to the contrary, he wants to add, that it is his right, but in the past few years, manjiro's world has grown a little larger. he's not a gang president, not surrounded by war, conflict, blood - not for a while, anyway.
he understands that this is how his life was. not how his life is - much less yu's.
so, he bites it back, but it comes out in the form of a sigh.)
I won't bother you again, it's your decision to make, so I won't meddle. I'll be in my home.
[There seem to be dozens of things he could say -- wants to say, all at odds with one another. Stay. Go. You're not a bother. Leave me alone. Stay away from me. Don't leave. Laid over the background of fresh trauma that he's yet to fully process, it's all too much. He doesn't move, but part of him wants to, while the rest of him feels terrified at the thought of a single touch.
Numb and quiet, he manages a nod, finally letting his eyes lower to the ground.]
... Alright.
[The word comes out softly, a croak from his still-sore throat, a reminder of how bad things had gotten very, very recently. That said, he doesn't move, yet. He'll wait for Mikey to leave first.
(it's all he can do - hope, although he would rather not. yu is not the only one hurting, not by a long shot. at home, he redeemed himself the best he could, although takemichi's unrelenting love helps. it didn't matter to the boy what mikey did, because to him, it was his life mission to help the boy overcome whatever the fuck turned him cold.
and thereafter, they worked. they worked to make sure no one died. they worked to make sure everyone was protected. they worked for their dream, and it came true. all members of toman, including those he brought under his wing that were not there originally, are breathing, living, making a future for themselves.
he had so much time to make it up to the only person who knew who he had been. so much time to consider, to get over it, to feel excited about the future for the first time in his life, and to bask in the glory of a dream fulfilled.
and then he's back here, where it all crumbles.
he'll leave. suffer by himself, because to hope yu comes around might be setting himself up for failure.)
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In the past, he might have looked at a story like this with pathos and understanding. He might have asked questions. He might have connected his own experiences for a more sympathetic look at Mikey's choices and actions. But-- that was before those hands choked the air from his lungs. Before those eyes had watched him die.
Now...he just looks tired and wary as he waits for whatever part may be relevant.]
... I don't mean to rush you, [he says, careful and composed, neutral in tone.] But I'd like for you to get to the point, please.
no subject
(and that's what he actually came to say. this is his cue. if yu wants to say anything, he is more than free too, but this. this is what it all comes down to. manjiro stands, hands in pockets, as if he is ready to leave if there's nothing else to come.)
no subject
Now, he can't bring himself to move closer. The thought of a touch makes him feel like the air's gone out of his lungs all over again.
Part of him, the part that's not reliving those moments, is devastated.
Mikey looks like he's ready to leave, this time really for someone else's sake instead of his own ego. The change is notable, palpable; all the same, Yu retains his own cool neutrality, as if it's a wall that can keep all of the pain at bay. For a moment, he considers responding with just a nod and letting the other boy go on his way. But in spite of, perhaps, his better judgment, he can't just let it go like that.]
You know... [a thoughtful pause; carefully, he gathers his words] When someone went into the TV world, their worst traits would manifest into a Shadow. Every negative thought, every terrible impulse... [He gives Mikey a pointed look, here, because he's always felt that connection.]
After a while, those Shadow selves would go into a frenzy and kill people. Even the person that manifested them in the first place. The only way to stop them was if the person they belonged to accepted them fully. The people who dealt with them on their own...they were the ones who died. The ones who had help were the ones who made it out.
[And that's what makes all of this so terrible. So infuriating. How much of this could have been avoided?]
... You should have trusted us more, Mikey.
no subject
it'd hurt like everything else has, but yu'd be right. manjiro's forgiveness itself is a weird thing, he can forgive someone for killing, but he can't forgive himself for the same thing. he can't go back in time here, and truth be told, neither would he want to. this is what he deserves, the consequences of his actions.
so, while yu talks, his eyes watch him, never leaving yu's own pair.)
I know. I can't take it back, Yu. (technically, but alas) I can tell you that I deserve it if you decided to never talk to me again. Hell, if you kill me, I deserve that too and much worse... I don't want to lose you, though. I'll do whatever it takes to fix it.
no subject
[No one deserves to die. That's perhaps among the things Yu believes most strongly. Mikey claiming that he deserves worse...that doesn't change anything, not really.
But he's not quick to add anything else, here, because the truth is that he doesn't know what he wants. That's hard to say, for a Leader -- hard to admit that you don't know which way to go. That you're pulled in different directions, that your head and heart are full of trauma and anger and sadness and, in spite of it all, a half-insane longing to make things better. He's so torn that he can't find a way to answer truthfully, for a moment.]
... To be honest, I don't know what I want, [he says at last, soft and reluctant.] I...think I need some time to figure it out.
no subject
he understands that this is how his life was. not how his life is - much less yu's.
so, he bites it back, but it comes out in the form of a sigh.)
I won't bother you again, it's your decision to make, so I won't meddle. I'll be in my home.
no subject
Numb and quiet, he manages a nod, finally letting his eyes lower to the ground.]
... Alright.
[The word comes out softly, a croak from his still-sore throat, a reminder of how bad things had gotten very, very recently. That said, he doesn't move, yet. He'll wait for Mikey to leave first.
Call it survival instinct.]
no subject
and thereafter, they worked. they worked to make sure no one died. they worked to make sure everyone was protected. they worked for their dream, and it came true. all members of toman, including those he brought under his wing that were not there originally, are breathing, living, making a future for themselves.
he had so much time to make it up to the only person who knew who he had been. so much time to consider, to get over it, to feel excited about the future for the first time in his life, and to bask in the glory of a dream fulfilled.
and then he's back here, where it all crumbles.
he'll leave. suffer by himself, because to hope yu comes around might be setting himself up for failure.)